By now, you have all heard that the Material Girl who dreamt of San Pedro is working on new material. Her follow-up to 2012’s MDNA, presumably titled “#UnApologeticBitch #BitchImMadonna *gun emoji* hashtagextravaganza”, has been in the works for quite some time, and the queens are thirsty. The latest in M’s shade campaign comes in response to Ariel Pink‘s desperate cry for attention.

Pink was quoted, “They need something edgy. They need songwriting. She can’t just have her Avicii, her producers or whatever, come up with a new techno jam for her to gyrate to and pretend that she’s 20 years old. They actually need songs. I’m partly responsible for that return-to-values thing”. He then put his foot in his mouth by saying, “I guess it’s called ‘throwback’, but the first record [1983’s Madonna ] was so good because of the songs,” he said. “It’s been a downward slide [since] … ‘Ray of Light’ is not cool. And all the other stuff she’s done after that, it’s not like it matters. It really shows a drain of values. People need more substance in their mac-and-cheese. People need more sugar or something.”

I am going to go out on a limb here and just assume, for one minute, that Ariel Pink has contracted Ebola and suffered some sort of temporary insanity…because Madonna nabbed the Billboard Music Award for Top Touring Artist in 2013, had the twelfth highest grossing tour of all time with her MDNA tour, and broke the record for occupying the top two highest-grossing female tours of all time. Homegirl is relevant, okrrr?! As for the “Ray of Light” comment, all I have to say is this.

Here is where things get hilarious… Madonna’s manager, Guy Oseary, casts a shadow over Ariel’s life. Experts maintain that he is holed up in a Chic-Fil-A in West Hollywood, clutching his pearls and chanting in Aramaic.

One can only speculate on what exactly a “mermaid” is, but it is safe to say that Mr. Pink should pick up some lidocaine, because he just got BURNED! I think we can all agree that there is a lot of this:  happening right now.

As far as Madge’s new album is concerned, I am praying for a gritty, no-fucks-given, return to hedonism. Let us remember, pay tribute, and secure our weaves for her impending return.